Paul Bond
July 10-11
Governor’s Comedy Club and Restaurant, Levittown
(516) 731-3358, govs.com

St. James Fire Department Fundraiser
July 11, 6pm
St. James Fire Department
(631) 974-1502, stjamesfiredept.org
Will feature Joe Moffa, Maria Walsh, Rob Ryan, Stevie GB, Rick Morgan, Chipps Cooney and Buddy Flip. Dinner and show tickets: $35.

My boss was a jerk—always going on about “the team.” He said, “There’s no ‘I’ in the word ‘team’” Yeah? Well there’s three in “I quit, you dick.” –Buddy Flip

I’m married 20 years and I must say 90 percent of the time I consider myself the luckiest women on Earth. The other 10 percent I’m wondering, “How can I make a fall down the stairs look accidental?” —Maria Walsh

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Vic DiBitteto
July 17, 9pm; July 18, 8&10:30pm
Brokerage Comedy Club, Bellmore
(516) 781-5233, brokeragecomedy.com

I was born in Brooklyn and as a kid we moved overseas… to Staten Island, which is basically Brooklyn with a cover charge. –Vic DiBitteto

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Johnny Rizzo
July 24-25
McGuire’s Comedy Club, Bohemia
(631) 467-5413, mcguirescomedyshows.com

My brother is a taxidermist. You know, he mounts animals. Well, that’s how he met my sister-in-law. –Johnny Rizzo

I got sexually desperate, so I called one of those live sex numbers. I got a girl who stuttered. It cost me 1,500 bucks. –Johnny Rizzo