Mike Eagan, Tim Gage, Rob White
November 6-7, 9pm
McGuire’s Comedy Club, Bohemia
(631) 467-5413, http://www.mcguirescomedyshows.com

The nuns who taught me use to say, “Children, there are no stupid questions, the only stupid thing you can do is not ask a question.”
“Sister, sister why didn’t Jesus lie? Then he would have lived,” I said.
Four hours in a utility closet for that question. –Tim Gage

John Pinette
November 27, 10:30pm
Governor’s Comedy Cabaret and Restaurant, Levittown
(516) 731-3358, http://www.govs.com

With Chinese food, you get hungry again. Why is that? It’s a different kind of hunger. You go from food to starving with nothing in between. You say, “Oh my God, I can’t believe I ate all that chow mein. Hey, look! They brought egg rolls! –John Pinette

Matt Burke
November 28
The Brokerage Comedy Club, Bellmore
(516) 781-5233, http://www.brokeragecomedy.com

Change and hope? That’s enough to sucker the public in an election? You wouldn’t tolerate that kind of talk from an appliance salesman. “Hey, that washing machine you sold me last week broke!” “Well, I ‘hope’ that ‘changes’.”–Matt Burke

Proud Hearts Fundraiser
November 28, 7:30pm
The Comedy Loft, Westhampton
http://www.proudhearts.org
A benefit for this organization that supports those in the military and their families. Starring Nick Cobb, John Larocchia, Rob White, Vicky Kuperman, Tim Thompson, Marcus with host Rob Cioffi. Tickets: $10 in advance, $15 at the door.

I just don’t understand women. I never know what they want. They cry with the duct tape on, they scream when it comes off. MAKE UP YOUR MIND! –Tim Thompson

I finally got a carbon monoxide detector. These things are really annoying. All it does is beep and beep, and the beeping makes me dizzy and nauseous. I thought about leaving my house but the unicorn in the kitchen said it’s ok and I should just make him a sandwich and then take a nap. –Tim Thompson