Spring is in the air and it’s time to shake away the winter blues. Sure the economy is in the dump and you need a reason to smile. Things are so bad that a hooker asked to borrow $100 until she could get back on her back. I’m taking my stimulus check and stimulating my funny bone at these comedy shows!

Long Island Comedy Festival
May 9, 8pm
The Comedy Club at Theatre Three, Port Jefferson
(631) 928-9100, http://longislandcomedyfestival.com
Will feature comics Paul Anthony, John Larocchia and Leighann Lord. Various other dates throughout the summer across the Island.

I hope we never go to war with China. I don’t think we really want to piss off the people who sew our clothes, cook our food and make our toys. We’ll end up naked and hungry, with nothing to play with. —Leighann Lord

Prostitution is legal in Amsterdam. That must make “Take Your Daughter to Work Day” really awkward. —Leighann Lord

Comedy, Dinner and Tequila Night
May 14, 9pm
Cabana in Long Beach
(516) 889-1345
Will feature comics Tony Landolfi and Thomas J. Kelly. Cost: $70, reservations strongly suggested.

I have a website I-hate-weddings.com. It’s not that I hate marriage; it’s just that I think a wedding is a really big party right before your buddy goes into the witness protection program. Because after that party you never see that dude again. —Thomas J. Kelly

New York women will tell you exactly what’s on their minds. You don’t even have to ask them. I walked up to this woman and she said to me, “Hey, I got a lot to do today. So you say what you got to say to me and get the hell out of my face!” And I’m just standing there like, “I just need to know if the garbage has to go out tonight honey.” —Tony Landolfi

Carol Montgomery
May 15, 9pm; May 16, 8&10:30pm
Brokerage Comedy Club, Bellmore
(516) 781-5233, http://www.brokeragecomedy.com

I was talking to my son about the facts of life and he was getting uncomfortable. I said “I know this is awkward, mommy talking to you about sex, I shouldn’t be the one talking to you, your father should. But he’s so excited you may be getting laid, he can’t speak.” —Carol Montgomery