February 5, 8pm
The Flaming Hearth, Farmingville
Will feature Chris Roach, Tina Giorgi and Joe DeVito. Tickets: $10.
It’s not easy being big. I was outside a bar making a phone call and a bunch of guys walked up to me and handed me their IDs. I told them that was an offensive stereotype and I collected a ten dollar cover from each of them.—Chris Roach
My GPS has the technology to put a satellite in space, show a cartoon movie and have a magic voice tell me when to turn. But they can’t get the suction cup to work.—Joe DeVito
Manhasset-Lakeville Fire District
February 13, 7:30pm
Manhasset Fire Department, Manhasset
Will feature Billy Bingo, Wyatt The One Man Riot, Steve Alleva and Kevin Seaman. Tickets: $20.
February 19, 9pm, February 20, 8 & 10:30pm
McGuire’s Comedy Club, Bohemia
(631) 467-5413, http://www.mcguirescomedyshows.com
Singer Celine Dion announced that she was attempting to become pregnant with her second child through in vitro fertilization and the implanting of a frozen embryo. Unfortunately, she was unable to conceive when, once implanted, the embryo remained frozen.—Eric Deskin
Kevin Downey Jr.
February 20, 7:30 & 10pm
Governor’s Comedy Cabaret and Restaurant, Levittown
(516) 731-3358, govs.com
I was in a porn store. They had an inflatable doll. On the box it said, “feels like a real woman.” I’m pretty sure if you’re buying this doll, you’ve never felt a real woman.—Kevin Downey Jr.