Ben Bailey
March 5, 8 & 10:30pm, March 6, 7:30 & 10pm
Governor’s Comedy Cabaret and Restaurant, Levittown
(516) 731-3358, http://www.govs.com
Every time I get off the train, I try to get out of the station and back up to the street, I end up getting stuck behind these really slow people on the stairs. It’s been happening to me for years. And my question is this: how the hell do they keep beating me to the stairway?—Ben Bailey

Comedy Night
March 12, 7:30pm
Cooperage Inn, Baiting Hollow
(631) 727-8994, http://www.cooperageinn.com
Will feature John Santo, Meredith Daniels and Tom Daddario. Dinner/Show: $39.95/person.
Living in a basement stinks. I ordered pizza the other night and gave the guy a 20. He said, “No, you keep the change.”—Meredith Daniels

Comedy Night
March 12, 8pm
Portico Wood Fire Grill, Hauppauge
(631) 471-1221, http://www.porticogrill.com
Will feature Colin Kane, Terry McNeely, George Gallo and Mick Thomas. Tickets: $10.

Mick Thomas and Sparky
March 19 & 20
McGuire’s Comedy Club, Bohemia
(631) 467-5413, http://www.mcguirescomedyshows.com
The ancient Mayans used to commit human sacrifices by pulling the hearts out of their victims. It’s kinda like rooting for the Knicks.—Sparky
My brother is gay and dyslexic. Every time he hears that song “YMCA” we have to take him to Macy’s.—Sparky

Robert Kelly
March 26 & 27
The Brokerage Comedy Club, Bellmore
(516) 781-5233, http://www.brokeragecomedy.com
I love those restaurants that cater to fat people. They know fat people are showing up. You walk in, they’re like, “Hey, we took chicken and put cake in it. Is that cool?”—Robert Kelly