Live Stand-Up

Stevie GB and Jimmy Q
April 9 & 10
McGuire’s Comedy Club, Bohemia
(631) 467-5413,

I saw a book in the library called Final Exit, a book about how to commit suicide. I’m thinking, this book is gonna be overdue. Everything goes as planned, this book is not coming back. —Stevie GB

I told my doctor “I think I have H1N1.” He said, “You sank my battleship.” —Stevie GB

Jim Florentine
April 17, 8 & 10:30pm
The Brokerage Comedy Club, Bellmore
(516) 781-5233,

They put warnings on cigarettes saying, “Smoking will kill you.” They should put warnings on French fries that read “Eating these will make you fat and nobody will want to have sex with you.” —Jim Florentine

Comedy Night
April 23, 8pm
Portico Wood Fire Grill, Hauppauge
(631) 471-1221,

Will feature Tina Giorgi, Tyrone Hawkins and Andy Pitz. Tickets: $10.

Kevin Brennan
April 23, 9pm; April 24, 7:30 & 10pm
Governor’s Comedy Cabaret and Restaurant, Levittown
(516) 731-3358,

Women get close to orgasms, guys don’t. You ever get close to an orgasm? Guys don’t get close—we see the finish line, we cross the finish line. If we have to drag a broken leg, we will cross the finish line. —Kevin Brennan

My high school years are the best years of my life? I live with my parents. I don’t have a car. I’m a virgin. I have no money. And these are the best years of my life? Then kill me right now. —Kevin Brennan