Paul Bond
May 7 & 8
McGuire’s Comedy Club, Bohemia
(631) 467-5413, http://mcguirescomedyshows.com

In the Tiger Woods mess, if he were smart he could have blamed Nike for the whole thing. Their slogan is “Just Do It.” I think he did, in fact. He could have told his wife, “I was listening to the Nike voices in my head, honey.” —Paul Bond

Pete Correale
May 14 & 15
Governor’s Comedy Cabaret and Restaurant, Levittown
(516) 731-3358, http://govs.com

The last woman I dated asked me, “Would you fight for me?” I was like, “I don’t even fight for myself, sweetheart. You can run with me ‘cause that’s what I do. We can hold hands while we run—keep it romantic.”—Pete Correale
Women want guys with money, right? Actually, I like my bank teller, but I’m afraid to ask her out ‘cause I think she’ll just punch up my account and go, “I don’t think so.” —Pete Correale

Tales From the Tundra Siberian Husky Rescue Fundraiser
May 15, 8:30pm
Jokerz Wild Comedy Club, Four Points By Sheraton Hotel, Plainview
(516) 830-1945, http://jokerzwildcomedyclub.com

Starring Raymond the Amish Comic. Tickets: $30.

Sandy Marks
May 28 & 29
The Brokerage Comedy Club, Bellmore
(516) 781-5233, http://brokeragecomedy.com

I just had my car stolen and that’s when I realized what a crappy car I owned—I got upset because I had just filled the gas tank. —Sandy Marks