I have manufactured a generalized correspondence between two individuals, referred to, quite generally, as Individual A and Individual B. The discussion involves summer.
Individual A: “Let’s perform a pleasant, summer-related activity.”
Individual B: “Yes. Okay.”
A: “What activity shall we perform?”
B: “I don’t know. Let’s ask Niko Krommydas. I am fairly certain that he can provide one, or five, appropriate activity recommendations and pair each with a craft beer produced within New York for optimal enjoyment.”
Activity: Pseudo-Violent Pool Noodlin’
A pool noodle is a pliable, neon-colored limb of polyethylene foam, which bestows chlorine dreams to novice swimmers, providing flotation assistance while technique is improved. A pool noodle can also be employed to produce profound, pseudo-violent whacks across your brother’s hamstrings during your family’s annual American Gladiators Fantasy Tournament Family Barbecue in July. Your grandmother, Nitro, er, Beatrice would be proud!
Beer: Barrier Brewing Company Gosilla (Oceanside, NY)
Brewed with coriander, sea salt and wheat, Gosilla is an earthy, citrus-clouded gose bier (gose was birthed in Leipzig, Germany) possessing subtle brine and refreshhhh capabilities. Do not attempt to pour additional sea salt into your Gosilla.
Activity: Existential Nature Stuffs
Schedule a self-evaluative hike. Recite passages from Søren Kierkegaard and Friedrich Nietzsche while the crisp, manicured grass (see previous activity) and rhododendrons embrace your bare toes. Ponder existence and the individual’s role within. Observe the expanse of gray sky as it limps horizontally, then disappears. Who am I?
Beer: Captain Lawrence Brewing Company Captain’s Kölsch (Elmsford, NY)
Whoa. That philosophical expedition was complex. Captain’s Kölsch, alternatively, is a crisp, semisweet presentation of grains with mild floral and citrus tones. It’s simple. It’s beer.
Activity: Manual Labor
The completion of laborious tasks is exhausting fun, and the options are infinite: Horticulture, mold remediation, family discussion, carpentry, elevator installation, life, freemasonry, etc. Yeah.
Beer: Greenport Harbor Brewing Company Spring Turning Saison (Greenport, NY)
Saison, or farmhouse ale, originated in southern, langue-français regions of Belgium (e.g., Wallonia), and was created for farmer replenishment during harvest.
Activity: Ice Cream Truck Thievery
From childhood through adolescence and now as an adult, acceptance of, and obedience toward our implicit societal structure has suppressed every strand of your individuality. Rinse. Repeat. Re-NO, woodchuck-chuckers—it’s Groundhog Day! This is your opportunity for escape. There exists nothing more exhilarating than apprehending a vehicle containing Bomb Pops and MoonPies, and skidding toward a summer sunset.
Beer: Spider Bite Beer Company Boris The Spider (Holbrook, NY)
A viscous, tar-oiled stout brewed with eight malt varieties, Boris The Spider is punched with chocolate, coffee, licorice, smoke and a bitter tail. Use Boris to transform your ordinary, illegally obtained vanilla sundae into a stout-draped ice cream float. Creepy. Crawly.
If the aforementioned activities appear arduous and require more energy expenditure than desired, perform nothing. Yes. Nothing. You will be the envy of every individual unable to temporarily vegetate and chill. These individuals cannot remain stationary while lying beneath the sun, for example, due to an intensifying, audible-thudding pulse undoubtedly indicating a forthcoming myocardial infarction. The author is not one of these individuals. Promise.
Beer: Kelso of Brooklyn Industrial IPA (Brooklyn, NY)
At 11.5% ABV, Industrial IPA, a blue-collar blend of loud citrus, pine and heat, is our most potent activity-paired selection. Just drink it.