I fancy the boots, governor. Climb in and don’t fret about wiping them. Like your footwear, I’m properly laced to fend off the muck and mire. My deeply-grooved floormats may be the most stylish use of rubber since the band on a Tag Heuer Carrera, but they’re dutiful workhorses. Speaking of horses and Carreras, let’s get right on the ol’ throttle, shall we? I reckon you wouldn’t mind hitting the LIE to best a few Porsches with the roar of my supercharged V8. I may not out-sprint that entire German lineup, or Italians, but my 0-60 time of five seconds flat will edge out a Boxter by a good couple meters—and none of them can wear mud as handsomely as me. I’m the all-new 2014 Range Rover Sport, there’s much for us to catch up on, mate.

Have I lost weight you ask? Ah, well I could be coy and attribute such an inquiry to fitter, trimmer tailoring, but I have, thank you for noticing. Constructed for the first time on my unique, all-aluminum frame, I measure in at roughly 800 pounds less than my predecessor, all while occupying a longer, wider and lower physical road presence. I am officially the fastest, most agile, most responsive Land Rover ever. A new chapter for an already accomplished lineage, if you will.

“Sport,” as you well know, is often a classification unjustly translated to “thrift.” That may ring true for textiles, fragrances and other goods, but you’d be a bloody fool to think it applies to me. From the supple touch of my hide-wrapped dash, to my captain-style seating that bends more ways than a contortionist, my cabin is just as stately and refined as the flagship Rover; I’m just a touch, well, sportier. Equipped with a lower driving position than my outgoing offering, you’ll feel more in tune with the asphalt than ever, whilst still maintaining clear and proper visibility for off-road forays. Let’s of course remember that I’m no jacked-up sedan posing in SUV garb. I’m a purpose-built SUV (with no car equivalent), designed from frame to finish as a truck that excels at, well, everything.

Pondering your attire for a day behind my flawlessly stitched heated wheel? Keep with the spirit of rebellion we British tastemakers are known for—Burberry, please. But as debonair as my fascia may be, my roots still run deep into a rugged heritage of all-terrain adventure. From the helm you’ll spot the radial control of my Terrain Response 2 system; an intelligent driving management program that guides me through the roughest obstacles or the most inclement weather sweet Mother Earth can toss our way. And though you can’t see my active rear-locking differential, or visualize the intricate programming of my roll control and torque-vectoring/braking system, you will feel them by way of some rather smooth and intelligent driving dynamics, if I do say so myself. Feel like becoming a master of any terrain? A weekend jaunt to the Land Rover Experience Driving School in Manchester, Vermont, will be a bonding experience like none other for us. Be it winter or summer, their instructors will help qualm any doubts that I was a worthy investment. The journey will also give you ample time to enjoy creature comforts such as my panoramic roof, or available 23 speaker, 1700W Signature Reference system, developed by the acoustic professionals at Meridian.

In keeping up appearances, what else can I say—I’m unmistakably a Range Rover from every angle. I admit that I may bear close resemblance to my brethren in profile, trim and signature design elements, though I stand solidly on my own with distinct style and personality; I’m the brand’s middle child that doesn’t need some silly gimmick to garner attention. When you look from my perspective, the “Sport” label does seem rather dashing, doesn’t it?

ENGINE: 32-VALVE LONGITUDINAL V8
0-60: 5.0 SECONDS
MAX SPEED: 155MPH
MAX POWER: 510 HP
MAX TORQUE: 461 LB-FT
BASE PRICE: $79,995