Portrait of a Supercar: 2014 Mercedes-Benz S550 Sedan

Smart is sexy. Beg to differ? Swipe through the gallery of your favorite model on Instagram. I wager s/he has at least one pose in a pair of black-rimmed frames—a simple yet effective ploy for increasing your nerd-appeal. Need further convincing? Then allow me to introduce myself, as we obviously have not met. I’m the Mercedes-Benz S550, completely redesigned for 2014.

Over the years I’ve listened to my loyal worldwide clientele—the bankers, lawyers, rock stars, sheiks and dignitaries who all return to me as their chariot of choice—and perfected the ideal servitude. Some of my passengers wear their glasses for utility, others just for show. I take cues from both. Step into my palatial space and intelligent accoutrements abound. Aside from controls and electronics, virtually no surface has gone without neat and proper upholstering. Optioned out, I probably boast more leather and wood than a classic library.
My highly customizable power seats will adjust to fit you in four areas with the attention of a skilled tailor and literally move to embrace your every curve.

The Island’s air is still crisp with winter, allow the generous heating elements under and behind you to get things cozy, then automatically step down to the perfect temperature before you even notice it. Come summer and our causeway jaunts, those thermostats will work the opposite magic to keep your linens crisp by pushing cool air through each seat perforation. Seats are a basic utility, yes, but the craftsmanship of mine is something that is not lost on the driver or passenger.

Smart is sexy, but relaxation on the road is engineered. I’m nearly as capable as a brick and mortar spa, without the appointment. Allow the seat’s “hot stone” massage option, one of six I offer, to get you back to Zen by inflating and deflating its 14 air chambers. Aromatherapy? I run with modern style icons, like Tom Ford, who said a great signature scent is part of any wardrobe. Drop one of my four, distinct fragrance canisters (Nightlife, Sports, Downtown or Freeside) into the glovebox-mounted cabin atomizer and enjoy the enhanced ambiance.

I trust you to have a scent all your own, which can be used too. But let’s turn your attention to the sights. Tell me your mood and a network of LEDs and fiber optics will shuffle through seven different auras of amendable intensity. True, LEDs aren’t a pair of black glasses, but they’re whip smart and come in seven kinds of sexy.

You could spend half the day ordering off my à la carte menu of comfort, but the first priority is still to transport you. A gentle tap of the ignition button brings my 4.6L biturbo V8 to immediate attention. Paired to a 7-speed automatic transmission with paddle shifting capability, I can match my acceleration to whatever your ambient hue might be. Quick spooling turbos translate to immediate power; smooth and linear if that fits your fancy, or as aggressive as your digits desire.

My style is omnipresent but never overt, that just would not be me. The boldest elements of my being are probably my LED headlamps, which round out my billing as the first car devoid of light bulbs. Like the best suit or gown, my cut and lines are just enough, nowhere overdone. With a swept-back flow from bonnet to boot, I’m in gentle motion even at a standstill. Frames or no frames, I’ll remind you each day that you’ve made an intelligently sexy decision.

2014 Mercedes-Benz S550 Sedan
Engine: 4.6L biturbo gasoline V-8
0-60: 4.8 seconds
Max Speed: 155mph (governed)
Max Power: 449 hp @ 5,250-5,550 rpm
Max Torque: 516 lb-ft @ up to 3,500 rpm
Base Price: $92,900

william k. gock

william k. gock

William K. Gock is the automotive content contributor for Playboy Magazine. His car and motorcycle reviews can also be found in numerous national print and online publications. Born and raised in New York's Hudson Valley, Gock currently lives with his wife and son in Babylon.