April Horoscopes

  • Aquarius

    Jan 20—Feb 18

    Feeling blue? So’s Neptune, but the planet’s got methane to blame for that. When it enters your sign on the 23rd, you’ll love how it shifts the currents of your life. (In ancient mythology, Neptune was associated with water.) You’ll feel so energized on the 25th that you’ll want to plan a trip for your pals.

  • Aries

    March 21—April 19

    There’s an old saying (fine, I read it on Facebook) I want you to repeat: You can’t spell “Life” without “L.I.” You used to embrace your surroundings and now you eschew them. What happened to the positive, loyal Aries the stars once knew? Perhaps you’re confused, too. When the new moon enters your sign on the 14, you’ll realize what (or who) is really bringing you down. So quit blaming Suffolk, will ya?

  • Cancer

    June 21—July 22

    Anything done during a “void of course moon” will go wrong, so it’ll need to be repeated again and again. (It’s like Groundhog Day, minus Bill Murray.) Your void occurs on the 19th, from 6:21am to 7:39am. I suggest you set your coffee pot for 7:40, unless you enjoy a steaming pot of sludge in the morning.

  • Capricorn

    Dec 22—Jan 19

    Ceres, goddess of growing plants, is in your sign this month—so quit singing that “April Showers” song, lest she feel threatened. Another thing growing this month? Your frustration with a best friend. It’s been in full bloom since March and I fear you’ll say something you regret on the 28th. Before you lash out, ask yourself: Is speaking your mind worth never speaking to your pal again?

  • Gemini

    May 21—June 20

    Weirded out by the naked woman standing in a shell on your front yard? Don’t be alarmed, that’s just Venus, goddess of beauty and love. She’s all about making others happy—sorta like you at work. On the 25th, speak your piece, even if it goes against the grain. Your deferential days are over. And now that you’ve discovered your voice, use it to tell the lawn gnome to keep his eyes to himself!

  • Leo

    July 23—Aug 22

    Feel oddly drawn to fire lately? No, you’re not turning into an arsonist (we hope), you’re just feeling the effect of Vesta, goddess of the hearth. She’s been hanging around your sign since January, but when she enters on the 6th, you’ll be overcome with the urge to cook—and we’re not just talking mini hot dogs.

  • Libra

    Sept 23—Oct 22

    April 13th is an extremely rare day of “no aspects,” when the planets hibernate. Their influence over you drops away and you’re 100% in control of your life. (Please be considerate of your neighbors when screaming.) For one day, you’re an independent island unto yourself. Lay out a proverbial blanket and bask in your rays—a self-confident suntan will look good on ya.

  • Pices

    Feb 19—March 20

    In ancient times, there were party people (well, half people, half horse) called centaurs. They did all the bad stuff you see on reality tv (and more). Then, there was Chiron. He didn’t start any fights. He was the good guy and this month he’s in your sign on the 19th. Make him proud by making the right choice on the 21st, when you’ll be tempted to profit at someone else’s expense.

  • Sagittarius

    Nov 22—Dec 21

    Your lust for life and thirst for adventure are beautiful traits—and they often leave others asking if you’ll ever “settle down.” Trying to squash your travel bug would be like exterminating your soul—it sounds terrifying and it’s probably expensive. When you feel that itch to explore, scratch it (or apply the necessary ointment).

  • Scorpio

    Oct 23—Nov 21

    On the 28th, the “Full Fish Moon” will rise high in the sky and you’ll feel less in-tuna with your surroundings. (I know, you’re over the puns but I must be true to myself.) Prepare to feel frustrated with the monotony of your routine as the planets align in your 12th house of Self-Undoing. Instead of getting pissed, get proactive. When you learn to love the life you lead – ahh, that’s a moray.

  • Taurus

    April 20—May 20

    If life is a highway, then April 17-18 is the traffic-laden stretch. You know, the part where you weep as your dashboard clock ticks away precious minutes of your existence? Sorry, boredom awakens my inner poet. Anyway, that’s when Mercury goes retrograde and life slows down. (We’re talkin’ Eeyore and Turtle sign up for a relay race.) Embrace your new speed limit. But for the sake of your health, don’t stop and smell the gas fumes.

  • Virgo

    Aug 23—Sept 22

    If you don’t have something nice to say…it’s probably because you’re thinking about Saturn. Honestly, he was just a jerk who ate his kids and was really negative and nasty. Like Simon Cowell in a toga, if you will. On the 7th, you may lash out at a partner or say something unnecessarily unkind to a friend—that’s Saturn, drawing out your dark side. Quick, what would Paula do?!

sydney levin

Sydney Levin is an extremely attractive writer living in New York City. She enjoys noodles and sloths, although not in that order.