December Horoscopes

  • Aquarius

    Jan 20—Feb 18

    (January 20—February 18)
    Forget Facebook friend requests—you’re about to get “can we enter your life” requests from the Moon, Jupiter, Chiron and Neptune. See, they’re ALL heading to your sign on the 21st. With this many cosmic influences, we can’t even predict what’s going to happen. Better go ahead and change your status to “bracing for a wild ride.”

  • Aries

    March 21—April 19

    (March 21—April 19)
    Instead of complaining about the roller coaster a close friendship has become, just quit lining up to take the ride. This month’s winter solstice sun shines the cold, harsh light of truth on a person whose influence you’re no longer benefiting from. It’s time to go cold turkey on that fowl relationship.

  • Cancer

    June 21—July 22

    (June 21—July 22)
    The SuperMoon swoops in (smelling faintly of cheese) on the 31st, screwing with the tide and muddying the waters of your life. You’ll feel its unsettling effects three days before its arrival, so grab some proverbial Kryptonite on the 28th. All out? Perhaps the Broadwater people can provide you with an interesting liquefied gas instead.

  • Capricorn

    Dec 22—Jan 19

    (December 22—January 19)
    Uh-oh alert: A friend’s inane, rambling accusation (around the 18th) will catch you completely off guard. (Gob-smacked is another fun, descriptive word we’d like to throw out there.) Go ahead and take the high road straight into “This Person Is a Complete Lunatic” Land. Tick tock, don’t waste another second on that walking time bomb.

  • Gemini

    May 21—June 20

    (May 21—June 20)
    November 15th was supposed to be your very bad day—the word “catastrophic” was even tossed around. In fact, we were worried you’d actually explode. (Ever see Visioneers?) But it appears you’ve made it through and December’s nearly perfect astrological forecast is our gift to you. Happy Christmahanakwanzica, dear Gem.

  • Leo

    July 23—Aug 22

    (July 23—August 22)
    Once every two years, Mars goes retrograde—i.e.: it moves sdrawkcab (backwards) through a sign—and this time, it’s about-facing you. It’ll stay till March 10th, so go ahead, make up the guest bed. Mars reverses the energy in your life, forcing you to move slowly when you’d like to act fast. What’s that? Oh good grief. Fine, you can still use the supermarket’s express lane.

  • Libra

    Sept 23—Oct 22

    (September 23—October 22)
    Saturn is classified as a “gas giant,” which is probably why it had such a hard time in high school. (Plus, when you’re the harbinger of bad luck and hardship, you’re never voted most popular.) Steer clear of black cats and banana peels until the 15th, when negative Saturn decides to stop kinking up your fortune hose.

  • Pices

    Feb 19—March 20

    (February 19—March 20)
    Because Uranus rotates on its side, it’s often called “strange.” But that’s fine, ‘cause you know what we usually end up calling strange things? Brilliant. Uranus is associated with genius and since it’s directly in your sign, you’re set to tap into your inner Einstein. We’re worried about your hair, but can’t wait to see what you create.

  • Sagittarius

    Nov 22—Dec 21

    (November 22—December 21)
    On the 25th, you’ll find yourself traveling on the LIE with a carpenter who promised to make dinner reservations but totally dropped the frankincense. Wait, I may be getting my horoscopes crossed here. You live in Nassau, not Nazareth, right?

  • Scorpio

    Oct 23—Nov 21

    (October 23—November 21)
    There’s a partial lunar eclipse on the 31st, so you know what that means—you will only partially be able to see the moon on the 31st. (What, you were expecting something deeper?) While the planets are aligned at 2:22pm, take that intense moment to reflect on the two people who keep you in step. Now go ahead, give them a call.

  • Taurus

    April 20—May 20

    (April 20—May 20)
    From 6:44am to 3:36pm on the 26th, do everything you can to avoid human interaction. No robot contact either, if possible. During that time, the Moon is between signs, which is (allegedly) a really terrible thing. You’re supposed to pretty much just rock, but why not switch things up? Let your eyes dart nervously around, too!

  • Virgo

    Aug 23—Sept 22

    (August 23—September 22)
    There’s a lot of astrological activity this month, but oddly enough, nothing big is happening in your sign. It’s not you, it’s… well, actually it’s totally you. Mope city is about to name you mayor, for God’s sake. You must shake the sadness by the 13th or risk being overlooked until January. If you want a bright future, you gotta go ahead and switch yourself on.