Jan 20—Feb 18
It’s a year later and you’re still dealing with the effects of last August’s penumbral lunar eclipse. The eclipse wasn’t visible to the naked eye, but its main influence—making you slightly more negative—was pretty noticeable. Good news? You’ve officially got cosmic permission to turn that frown upside down. Bad news? You’ve got a little something in your teeth.
March 21—April 19
When Jupiter and Pluto square from the 2nd to the 3rd, you may feel a strange, tingling sensation. It may be accompanied by a desire to break the rules or track down and fight “the man.” Acting on these astrologically-induced feelings is not something we here at LI Pulse (or society, as a whole) endorse. But have no fear: By the 4th, you’ll be back to your law abiding self. As for any residual tingling? Uh, you’re gonna want to see a doctor for that.
June 21—July 22
It’s been almost eight months, but you’re still feeling the effects of December’s partial lunar eclipse. Your sign’s marked by an inability to disconnect and that’s not always a bad thing. But I fear you’re still attached to someone who is no longer a positive presence in your life. You know when you’re not getting what you need and, my dear Cancer, you’ve been settling for scraps when you deserve a three-course meal. Stick a fork in that half-baked relationship and call for the check…you’re done.
Dec 22—Jan 19
From the 3rd to the 4th, Mars squares Pluto. Then, it swings it round and round before promenading back. (That was a very funny dancing joke.) But in all seriousness, that planetary square is incredibly forceful. It may influence you to be reckless or to lose your temper. But remember: At the end of the day, you control your life.
May 21—June 20
Circle the 4th on your calendar in red. Now make little stars on the 3rd and 5th. Those are your red letter days, when the month’s most interesting things will happen. You might not realize the significance. In fact, the days may feel disappointingly normal. But trust me, by month’s end, you’ll see how those 72 hours shaped your life. OK, now draw a dinosaur on the 17th. Why? I thought it might look neat.
July 23—Aug 22
The new moon falls in your sign on the 9th at 11:08pm—and no, I’m not talking about the Twilight movie. The new moon is the astrological equivalent of a facial, Botox included. It ushers in a period of sorely-needed rejuvenation, since you’ve been working your poor fingers to the bone as of late. Now’s also the time to pay your good fortune forward. Offering an unexpected compliment is the kind of currency I’m talking about.?
Sept 23—Oct 22
Libra’s represented by a weighing scale, but let’s call a spade a spade—you’re not the most balanced sign on the astrological block. And when things are off in your romantic life, that really topples your pans. Luckily Venus (the goddess of love, fertility and looking darn good) saunters in to your sign on the 6th. So take one more day to mourn whatever breakup that’s got you down—and then ditch the dark mood.
Feb 19—March 20
The full sturgeon moon falls in your sign on the 24th. To clarify, I said sturgeon, not surgeon. Picture mackerel, not McDreamy. Native American tribes named this moon because it illuminated the sky during a time when fish were most readily caught. (Also because many sturgeons had great aspirations of become astronauts. Just kidding.) As for its effect on you? Until the 28th, you’ll need to work extra hard not to get hooked on lies a friend tells at work. Do yourself a favor: Don’t take the bait.
Nov 22—Dec 21
Ceres is in your sign on the 8th. She’s also called Demeter, the goddess of love. But more importantly? She was also the goddess of crops and we get the word “cereal” from her name. As a result, Cheerios will rain down on you from heaven and you’ll be awarded a lifetime supply of Fruit Loops when you look up from this page. (Pause for effect.) Ta-da! What’s that, you looked up and weren’t suddenly surrounded by crunchy treats? OK, just reread this horoscope again and it’ll happen.
Oct 23—Nov 21
The month kicks off with a gray “shadow period,” when sinister Mercury moves through your sign until Batman swoops in and peacefully mediates the situation. (Hey, it’s summer—you expect him to exert himself?) OK, so there’s no caped crusader in your future, but that’s ‘cause I want you to be your own hero this month. When Mercury throws lemons your way, catch them and hurl ‘em right back. See, you’ve got super strength, too.
April 20—May 20
Eleanor Roosevelt—or wait, was it that scholar Paris Hilton?—once said: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” This month, please don’t allow anyone—for even a second—make you second guess your greatness. Sound impossible? Here’s an idea: Walk to the window, open it and throw your self-deprecating tendencies right on out. Don’t worry, I talked to the EPA and they said it’s not littering if you’re just tossing out metaphors.
Aug 23—Sept 22
Everyone’s got that ex—the one who was so bad, you don’t even refer to him out loud. Well, “Mercury retrograde” is the astrological equivalent. Unfortunately, M.R. tromps right into your sign this month, and has no plans to leave until September 12. This astrological menace will attempt to pull drama of the past two years into your present. But hey, look on the bright side...there’s no messy breakup when the other person in the relationship’s...uh...a planet.