Horoscopes August 2011

  • Aquarius

    Jan 20—Feb 18

    (January 20—February 18)
    Did you know you’re the sign of “surprise inspiration?” It’s true, it says so on the Internet. You have so many “ah-ha!” moments, you’re a walking Oprah show. (Sorry, you don’t get a car for that.) With the full moon in your sign on the 13th, you’ll get a lunar jolt of brilliance that’ll knock down any creative hurdles you haven’t been able to leap. You’ll shine at work on the 17th and be the center of happy hour attention outside the office. Nice job, Einstein. E=OMG you’re on fire this month!

  • Aries

    March 21—April 19

    (March 21—April 19)
    Well, well, well, you’ve been quite mischievous, little ram. While it’s not out of character for you to venture into the unknown, it’s strange that you’ve been traveling solo. The 8th, 9th, 10th and 16th are “hot spot” days this month, when the planets are moving erratically and fire signs are feeling extra feisty. Before you act on your impulses, remember it takes two to keep a secret. Loose lips sink ships—and though yours might be sealed, another pair looks kinda leaky.

  • Cancer

    June 21—July 22

    (June 21—July 22)
    If Passive Aggressive were a city, the angry little people would elect you mayor. You can thank Mars’ militant influence for your new position, as its entrance on the 3rd is responsible for your turn to the dark side. Since crabs are naturally inclined to resist change, you should make all efforts to push back against the force. The key? Getting out of your shell and helping someone else. Run (don’t scuttle sideways) to the aid of an ailing friend or a family member in need. You don’t want to be nominated for a second term, after all.

  • Capricorn

    Dec 22—Jan 19

    (December 22—January 19)
    On the road, yellow means slow down. On horoscope highway, it means “watch out, oh-my-god, AHHH!” This month, 25 out of 31 days are the color of caution as wild Mercury is retrograde. From the 1st to the 26th, avoid making decisions that will have lasting consequences and try not to start or end anything. Everything you do during a retrograde period will need to be re-done when it’s over. So now is not the time to snap the last part of that 1,000-piece puzzle in place.

  • Gemini

    May 21—June 20

    (May 21—June 20)
    When the new moon rises on the 13th, so does the level of drama in your life. Prepare for friends to fly off the handle, co-workers to get brattier than Lindsay Lohan on house arrest and family members to rant more nonsensically than they already do. The bright side? You’re about to look a whole lot more sane by association. After the 17th, everyone will go back to their respective corners and you’ll be the champ who survived without any damage. (Physically, at least.)

  • Leo

    July 23—Aug 22

    July 23—August 22)
    Hello, and thank you for flying Mercury Direct this month. We hope you enjoy the turbulence! When the ancient messenger enters your sign on the 26th, you’ll need to be very clear about what you want from others, since lines of communication can easily get crossed until the 29th. Don’t assume that anyone—even those closest to you—will be able to read your subtle signs or will be clued into any hints you drop. The straighter you shoot, the farther your words will fly. (Sorry, no peanuts with this horoscope.)

  • Libra

    Sept 23—Oct 22

    (September 23—October 22)
    When it comes to a new relationship, things are about to get heated—and you’re obviously not ready to cool it yet. But be warned: If you’re not your own firefighter, this situation could eventually blaze out of control. That’s not to say that you need to get rid of the person who’s piqued your interest (a romantic partner if you’re single, a flirtation or new friend if you’re attached). The cosmos just want you to take a step back and at least locate the alarm.

  • Pices

    Feb 19—March 20

    (February 19—March 20)
    If good ol’ Neptune were still around today, you’d find him at OTB. Ok, sure, there’s technically no ancient record that the patron of horse racing was a gamblin’ man, but go with me here. We do know that the planet’s tendency toward addiction is its downfall. With Mr. No Whammies in your sign on the 3rd, you’ll need to resist becoming obsessed with a new addition to your life. This could be a hobby, a friend, hell, even a really good cake. Your monthly motto: Everything in moderation. (Ok, except maybe that cake.)

  • Sagittarius

    Nov 22—Dec 21

    (November 22 - December 21)
    You know all those issues you pushed aside to deal with on a rainy day? Well, look outside. It’s raining. (No, really. It is. Just squint harder.) When Mercury goes retrograde on the 2nd, it will force you to make amends with people you may have hurt and awkward situations you swept under the rug. It sounds miserable, but it will be cathartic in the end, fingers crossed. When you have nothing to hide, you also have nothing to hide from.

  • Scorpio

    Oct 23—Nov 21

    (October 23—November 21)
    One minute Sixty seconds. A lot of tinier really fast milliseconds. That’s the ridiculously short time you’ll experience the void of course moon this month. (Translation: When the moon’s between signs, reeking havoc.) So while other signs are buying canned food in bulk, grab a pop tart and a stopwatch: From 7:56am to 7:57am on Friday the 5th, you shouldn’t make any decisions, start anything or finish anything. Do not fry an egg or pick out your outfit. And whatever you do, definitely avoid picking out an egg or frying an outfit.

  • Taurus

    April 20—May 20

    (April 20—May 20)
    If the cosmos were a Chinese takeout joint, then Jupiter would be the fortune cookie. It typically brings good luck and tidings of hope. But every once in a while, you get a message that trips you up. When Jupiter goes retrograde (aka: slows down) on the 30th, all the joy and gifts it typically brings vanish faster than you can say “Lo mein.” But don’t cry over spilled soy sauce. Having to make do with less now will help you handle the riches you’ll rake in after December 25th, when Jupiter egg rolls back on track.

  • Virgo

    Aug 23—Sept 22

    (August 23—September 22)
    When Mercury goes retrograde on the 2nd, skeletons you shoved in your closet come out to say “Hello, it was dark in there, and I tried on your pants!” Past misgivings come abruptly to light and you’ll need to face them head on by the 26th. It’s particularly hard for thin-skinned, emotional Virgos to admit wrongdoing, but now is the time for apologies, not sensitivity. A clean conscience is the season’s hottest accessory.