Aries
March 21—April 19
(March 21 — April 19)
Lying and tumult and bears, oh my! When Mercury goes retrograde on the 12th, you’ll feel like Dorothy trying to navigate a forest of emotions. The planet would love to push your relationship off the yellow brick road, so over-communicate with your significant other and think before you speak until April 4th. There’s no place like horoscopes! There’s no place like horoscopes!
Cancer
June 21—July 22
(June 21—July 22)
When the moon is between signs, it’s like a whole different lunar body. It says nasty things about astronauts and talks smack about how codependent the tide is. Oh, and anything you do when it’s void of course on the 29th, from 2:05pm to 7:07pm will need to be totally redone. Sure, you could rebel. But in a fight between you and the largest natural satellite of a planet in the Solar System, my money’s on all that cheese.
Gemini
May 21—June 20
(April 20 –– May 20)
When Venus enters on the 5th, you’ll either be smelling the roses or stomping them. Venus can be the sweet planet of love and attraction, or morph into a dark force of hate and revulsion. What determines its mood? Yours. If you stay positive, Cupid will continue to smile upon you. If you’re a Negative Nancy, that little cherub will show you the pointy end of his arrows.
Leo
July 23—Aug 22
(July 23—August 22)
The great scholar Robin Williams once said, “Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s Party!’” The fiesta known as the vernal equinox officially starts on March 20th, and since Mother Nature’s bringing about 12 hours of day and night, you’ll have to supply the drinks. As the sun reaches its balancing point, so do you. It’s sort of like an astrological Ambien. You’ll feel more calm in no time.
Taurus
April 20—May 20
(April 20 –– May 20)
When Venus enters on the 5th, you’ll either be smelling the roses or stomping them. Venus can be the sweet planet of love and attraction, or morph into a dark force of hate and revulsion. What determines its mood? Yours. If you stay positive, Cupid will continue to smile upon you. If you’re a Negative Nancy, that little cherub will show you the pointy end of his arrows.
Virgo
Aug 23—Sept 22
(August 23—September 22)
Per the Farmers’ Almanac, the full moon this month was often called the “Full Crust Moon” because pilgrims enjoyed that part of pizza best. (Just kidding. It’s because of the snow-coated trees.) At any rate, it hits your eye on the 8th and gives you the courage to take a huge leap at work. As the most sensitive sign, you dislike walking a wire for fear of a big fall. But worry not, dear Virgo. Crust might break—but you won’t.
