Horoscopes March 2012

  • Aquarius

    Jan 20—Feb 18

    (January 20 –– February 18)
    You’ve got a pretty good song written about you, but no planets to sing it with this month. In the absence of any major influences, you’ll need to step up to the mic. With erratic Mercury casting a negative shadow, you’ll need to be your own cheering section on the 15th when colleagues question a major decision at work. Because you’re loyal as Lassie, sticking up for yourself doesn’t come naturally for an Aquarian. If you’re nervous in front of the crowd, go ahead, imagine ‘em naked.

  • Aries

    March 21—April 19

    (March 21 — April 19)
    Lying and tumult and bears, oh my! When Mercury goes retrograde on the 12th, you’ll feel like Dorothy trying to navigate a forest of emotions. The planet would love to push your relationship off the yellow brick road, so over-communicate with your significant other and think before you speak until April 4th. There’s no place like horoscopes! There’s no place like horoscopes!

  • Cancer

    June 21—July 22

    (June 21—July 22)
    When the moon is between signs, it’s like a whole different lunar body. It says nasty things about astronauts and talks smack about how codependent the tide is. Oh, and anything you do when it’s void of course on the 29th, from 2:05pm to 7:07pm will need to be totally redone. Sure, you could rebel. But in a fight between you and the largest natural satellite of a planet in the Solar System, my money’s on all that cheese.

  • Capricorn

    Dec 22—Jan 19

    (December 22 –– January 19)
    Patient, careful Capricorns have a hard time taking risks, but on the 10th, you’ll need to do just that. An opportunity you didn’t expect is on the horizon, so throw caution to the wind (or at least toss it gently a few feet away, within arm’s reach). By the time the new moon rises on the 22nd, you’ll have made your choice and you’ll end the month on an incredibly high note. So go ahead, take another few tiny steps back from caution, then turn and never look back.

  • Gemini

    May 21—June 20

    (May 21—June 20)
    There are three speeds Mercury travels on its path of retrograde destruction: Slow but steadily traumatic from the 1st to 11th, medium mania from the 12th to 31st, and then full-throttle torture on the 7th to 25th, 30th and 31st. Scary story short, it’s a tough month. Now is not the time to finalize big plans or sign on any dotted line. It’s too risky with Merc breathing down your neck. Hand it a mint and wait ‘til April.

  • Leo

    July 23—Aug 22

    (July 23—August 22)
    The great scholar Robin Williams once said, “Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s Party!’” The fiesta known as the vernal equinox officially starts on March 20th, and since Mother Nature’s bringing about 12 hours of day and night, you’ll have to supply the drinks. As the sun reaches its balancing point, so do you. It’s sort of like an astrological Ambien. You’ll feel more calm in no time.

  • Libra

    Sept 23—Oct 22

    (September 23 –– October 22)
    Your heart grew cold when it got broken this winter, but now it’s time for the thaw. You’ll be tempted once more by He/She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, so practical Saturn swoops in to lend life support by month’s end. Though Saturn is good at getting rid of people (Don’t bring up his kids. He ate them.), he cannot actually speak the all-important words. You must find the strength to end a toxic relationship for good by the 31st, or your heart will go into a permanent deep freeze.

  • Pices

    Feb 19—March 20

    (February 19 ­­— March 20)
    Chiron brings out your dual personalities, forcing you to deal with feelings you usually drown. Scared? Don’t be. Healing Chiron is like the Baywatch lifeguard of the cosmos, running to help you during a time of trouble. (But since it’s half-man, half-horse, you may want to picture Pamela Anderson, instead.) It’ll be around until April 2018, indicating that this transformation may be slow going.

  • Sagittarius

    Nov 22—Dec 21

    (November 22 –– December 21)
    You hear an awful lot about the full moon, but the fourth quarter is just as powerful (and won’t turn you into a werewolf). When the last slice shines down on the 14th, all the loose ends in your life should begin to tie themselves into a nice, neat bow. Kind of like lunar-enforced spring cleaning, it’s time to resolve latent issues so you can welcome the new moon with open arms and light shoulders. That may mean pushing pride aside and admitting to a mistake, or eating your words. They may not be yummy appetizers—but a fresh start is the tastiest first course.

  • Scorpio

    Oct 23—Nov 21

    (October 23 –– November 21)
    If Mercury had Twitter, all its updates would be something to the tune of, “I’m angry!” (As a result, most planets would choose not to follow him.) There’s not a single day that isn’t marked as “volatile” or “chaotic” or “volatile with a dash of chaos,” but be especially careful from the 7th to the 31st. The 26th through the 29th are safer, so if you must make a big decision, wait until then for optimal results. No, the planet doesn’t accept bribes, but if you mail money and treats to me c/o Long Island Pulse, I’ll see what I can do. That’s just the kind of astrologer I am.

  • Taurus

    April 20—May 20

    (April 20 –– May 20)
    When Venus enters on the 5th, you’ll either be smelling the roses or stomping them. Venus can be the sweet planet of love and attraction, or morph into a dark force of hate and revulsion. What determines its mood? Yours. If you stay positive, Cupid will continue to smile upon you. If you’re a Negative Nancy, that little cherub will show you the pointy end of his arrows.

  • Virgo

    Aug 23—Sept 22

    (August 23—September 22)
    Per the Farmers’ Almanac, the full moon this month was often called the “Full Crust Moon” because pilgrims enjoyed that part of pizza best. (Just kidding. It’s because of the snow-coated trees.) At any rate, it hits your eye on the 8th and gives you the courage to take a huge leap at work. As the most sensitive sign, you dislike walking a wire for fear of a big fall. But worry not, dear Virgo. Crust might break—but you won’t.