Jan 20—Feb 18
Just when you start to feel like life’s tossed you in a riptide and taken the lifeguard off duty, Neptune (god of water) arrives to help you back on shore. You’ll get your sea legs on the 7th, and suddenly impossible-to-handle tasks at work and home will seem suddenly, well, handle-able. But remember: In the end, Neptune’s just a buoy. Sure, it’ll keep you afloat, but you’ll just be bobbing in the same spot until you pick a direction and start kicking.
March 21—April 19
This month’s shadowy time (ie: when Mercury wreaks havoc in all signs) extends from the 22nd to the 30th. During that unstable period, don’t leave anything to chance. If life is one big shopping trip, this is the part where you say to yourself, “Oh yes, of course I will remember where I parked my car.” But trust me, you won’t. And then it will start to rain and your bags will rip and you’ll be howling expletives like some mad (but fashionable) animal.
June 21—July 22
Way, way back in the day (like, before the word “day” even existed), a goddess sent a crab to help a serpent. Long story short, the crab got squished and the goddess put it in the night sky as the constellation Cancer. That’s a lovely tale for the history books, but don’t let it be your life story, too. No matter how much you want to intervene in a quarrel around the 13th, scuttle away. That’s a battle best watched from the sidelines. With a helmet.
Dec 22—Jan 19
How do you solve a problem like Mercury? Well actually, you don’t. Good ol’ Merc is two scoops of crazy with a side of oh-no-you-didn’t. When the cosmic catastrophe enters your sign on the 30th, it attempts to tangle your lines of communication. At work, be extra careful when relaying information about an important project. At home, prepare to repeat yourself (more than you already do). And on the web, for the love of god, please double check who you almost sent that catty email to.
May 21—June 20
You probably won’t find them on Facebook, but consider Castor and Pollux your closest pals. After all, they’re the twins who represent your sign. Their names mean “beaver” and “much sweet wine,” respectively. While you may not have much in common with a beaver (besides your uncanny ability to cut down trees with your teeth), you’re always the life of the party. This month, pour yourself into as many social gatherings as possible—and by all means, allow yourself to be over served.
July 23—Aug 22
You apologize too much. Oh, you’re sorry? Stop that! If you say what you mean and you mean what you say (thanks for that one, Dr. Seuss), there’s no need to justify yourself. Though you’re a tough lion, you’re not without your insecurities. And this one flares up around the 13th when tension with a friend builds. Practice standing by your word and you’ll find that others will line up by your side, too. To roar is human, to mew is so not you.
Sept 23—Oct 22
As life throws obstacles in your tracks, channel the little engine that could and chug on through. (Or if the going gets tough, add beer and focus on the “chug” part.) On the 7th, Venus enters your sign and with the goddess of romance steering, you’ll suddenly find yourself on the Love Express. For the first time in ages, the smelly person chooses to sit somewhere else and a very attractive rider is eyeing the seat beside you. Choo choo!
Feb 19—March 20
When your ruler Jupiter enters on the 18th, it’s like that moment in Wizard of Oz when Dorothy’s world goes from black and white to sparkling Technicolor. (If you start seeing munchkins, keep that to yourself.) Jupiter is associated with merrymaking and good fortune, much of which will be served up on a silver platter on the 21st and 26th. Go ahead and ready your plate for this heaping portion of happy. And hey, don’t forget to tip your waiter.
Nov 22—Dec 21
Did you know that some planets are associated with days of the week? For confident Mars, it’s Tuesday. Since that’s one of the major planets in your sign this month, the big T is your extra special day until December. (And here Frank Sinatra had you all hyped about Sunday.) If possible, schedule important appointments/wait to make any big decisions on the 2nd, 9th, 16th, 23rd and 30th. But don’t go rescheduling things if they don’t happen to fall right after Monday. If something’s meant to be, Mars will be sure that it comes to fruition.
Oct 23—Nov 21
Mercury typically brings out the fiery side of people. But because you never actually, uh, hide yours, it just gets super-sized. And trust me: Unlike fries, your mega-’tude isn’t something people crave. Most times, we’re helpless under astrological forces, but in this case, you can choose to overpower Mercury’s influence. How? It’s as simple as calling a friend who makes you smile or going out to dinner with pals. Now that’s what I call a happy meal.
April 20—May 20
This month’s new moon (on the 6th) is also called the full beaver moon, because November is typically when well-fed forest creatures most prefer visiting outer space. But in all seriousness, that name relates more to the season than anything. With the onset of winter, now’s the time that beavers begin their winter preparations and so too should you. Wait, you already knew that? Well, I’ll be...damned.
Aug 23—Sept 22
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore. When the moon travels between signs, that’s a mess. This month, it’s void of course (ie: off track) from the 30th at 6:17am to 7:15am. It’s not wise to do anything that you won’t want to re-do, since that hour is like a big astrological “delete” button that’s gotten stuck. Since it’s so early, do yourself a favor and try to stay in bed. And don’t dare make it if you do have to get up!