Jan 20—Feb 18
When Neptune enters a sign, it brings its pals misery, chaos and grief. (Needless to say, they don’t get many friend requests on Facebook.) On the 22nd, the fun crew heads your way—and while you can’t totally avoid them, you can choose to ignore them. The baddies will definitely try to sneak up on you around the 24th, so stay alert. Another tip? Try not to let frustrating situations get the best of you. The second you lose your temper, Neptune wins.
March 21—April 19
In October, the full moon in your sign (on the 22nd) is known as the hunter’s moon. It’s also called the blood moon or dying moon, but let’s ignore that because it’s frightening. According to the Old Farmer’s Almanac, it’s officially time for you to start prepping your home for winter and for animals to start bulking up for hibernation. Hey, that reminds me—does this horoscope make my jokes look fat?
June 21—July 22
When Mercury goes retrograde, it casts a dark, evil shadow over all signs. But guess what? (Cue the sunrise and Disney birdies.) This month, it doesn’t have any terrible plans for you! In fact, it doesn’t even have any sort of terrible plans. Savor these 31 days of zero astrological issues and do yourself a favor—try not to make any of your own. Sidestep all fights, bow out of any tiffs and back away from altercations. Nothing roughs up smooth seas like a ship full of drama.
Dec 22—Jan 19
When Ceres enters on the 8th, it immediately kicks the “nurture” part of your brain into overdrive. You may want to cuddle up to the guy at the drive-thru or smooch the gal who bags your groceries. Of course touching strangers isn’t recommended—and a restraining order is far less delicious than fries. Focus your fuzziness on friends and family who’ll actually benefit from your tenderness.
May 21—June 20
You’ll always be the third astrological sign in the Zodiac, but this is your month to feel like a regular first place winner in life. The planets are funneling positive energy your way, but if you’re not receptive, those gold medal rays will bounce right off you and brighten up someone else’s day. In order to reap the full benefit of this astrological gift, try to be as open and positive as possible around the 5th. The world will be playing your national anthem by the 17th.
July 23—Aug 22
When the moon’s between signs, it’s no longer a nice planet potentially made of delicious brie. From 11:21am to 2:21pm on the 2nd, you’ll want to take your crackers and lay low, since it’s a period of extreme astrological chaos when basically anything you try to do will go terribly wrong. Those few hours aren’t the time to start, finish or, uh, middle anything.
Sept 23—Oct 22
Considering all the changes you’ve been through lately, it’s fitting that the new moon on the 7th falls in your sign. Since a relationship abruptly evaporated in May, you’ve been on quite a rollercoaster—and it’s time to not only get off, but to also walk the heck out of the entire amusement park. Your ticket to a healthier, happier life? It’s not unattainable and it’s not being held by some grumpy ol’ gatekeeper. It’s free and right inside you.
Feb 19—March 20
Your sign’s represented by two fish, but did you ever notice that their tails are tied together sorta like a reverse pinky swear? Just like your scaly pals, you continuously feel pulled in two directions and picking one feels scarier than a shark sighting. When straight-shooting Uranus enters on the 24th, it gives you a heaping spoonful of decisiveness. And all this time you thought you needed Xanax!
Nov 22—Dec 21
If Mars had a Facebook page, its sole interest would be “pushing your buttons.” It’s that nasty planet that throws a wrench in your plans, a banana peel in your path and then trips you if you’ve managed to avoid those pitfalls. This little Dennis the Planetary Menace visits from the 27th-28th, so circle those days on your calendar and jot down “don’t wear white”—unless you look really good wearing your coffee, too.
Oct 23—Nov 21
From the 8th through November 18th, Venus goes retrograde in your sign: If you watch at exactly the right time, it appears to moonwalk (i.e.: Go backwards) through the sky. Its effects in your friendship sector are strong and swift, and you’ll soon begin to closely evaluate relationships in your life. Oh and if you’re very lucky, Venus will drop a white, sparkly glove into your yard.
April 20—May 20
Bulls get a bum rap, you know? Can’t even browse a china shop without getting chased out—and when they break something, everyone gets hysterical! Just like your horned symbol, you’re only nasty when provoked—and on the 25th, a friend will have you seeing red. A good way to prepare? Wear some dark shades. Then everything you see will be sort of grayish yellow. And that doesn’t sound nearly as anger-inspiring.
Aug 23—Sept 22
Better put on some of that heavy-duty deodorant. When Mercury enters your sign on the 1st, you’re going to start sweating the small, medium and large stuff. (I’ll give you a second to re-apply.) There’s just something about that pesky planet’s influence that really works you up, but you’ll be back to your old, not-so-smelly—and much less obsessive—self by the 15th. Until then? Well, just try to have some hot flashes of brilliance.