Jan 20—Feb 18
You know the drill: When the moon’s between signs, you have to put your life on hold in order to avoid any massive catastrophe. (Ever actually been hit in the eye with a big pizza pie? It’s not so fun.) Luckily, it’s just void of course from the 21st at 11:32pm to 1:02am on the 22nd. Since this astrologer’s birthday is on the 22nd, I assume you’ll be so tired from buying her presents that you’ll be completely passed out during those hours. If you find yourself wide awake, you’ll know you didn’t really put your heart and soul into the gifts—and said astrologer doesn’t mean to scare/threaten you, but you do realize she controls your destiny, right?
March 21—April 19
The second quarter moon is the Jan Brady to the full moon’s Marcia, but it has a much more intense effect than its older sister. The SQM on the 21st ushers in a slightly painful time when you finally realize who/what you need to cut from your life. It really pulls the wool off your peepers...and then encourages you to get more flattering eyewear. Unlike the full moon, which is all “birth and beginnings,” the SQM walks hand-in-hand with harsh reality. Still, you know how good you feel after you clean a closet or purge your freezer of crusty leftovers? The same thing applies to your personal life—and there’s no mystery meat involved.
June 21—July 22
The last slice of something is always kind of a bummer—but luckily, that logic doesn’t apply to the moon. The fourth quarter isn’t about mourning a near-loss; rather, it’s a time to ready yourself for exciting new beginnings. Begin to prepare for this cosmic cleanse on the 1st because you’ll have to tie up all loose ends on the 8th. When the full moon rolls around on the 15th you’ll be totally reborn—and every slice of life will taste simply divine.
Dec 22—Jan 19
Pluto is all about making major, lasting changes in the world—and that mega task is why it’s staying in your sign until 2023. While we have no idea what life will be like then (I picture flying cars and the return of unicorns), Pluto’s also focused on small scale updates. Since you’re an incredibly structured sign, the planet’s main goal is to shake things up a bit. Challenge yourself to say hello to one new person at work, or try a foreign dish while out to dinner with friends. They seem like silly tasks, but they’re all part of a bigger plan...and I’m pretty sure the unicorns will be impressed.
May 21—June 20
You put the “Ohmmmm” in OMG this month, Gemini. When Jupiter enters and goes retrograde on the 4th, you’ll suddenly feel wildly enlightened as you see the world through much more thoughtful glasses. For the next 120 days, you’ll analyze everything and everyone—but use this bout of skepticism to your advantage and you’ll learn something pretty startling on the 15th. (And no, it’s not that the Buddha is the guy stealing all the office supplies.)
July 23—Aug 22
October starts as cool as a cucumber, but goes totally bananas by the 19th. Avoid all metaphorical (and real) peels by taking extra life precautions until the 31st. That means no nice white shirts before drinking coffee, skipping all 50 percent off haircuts and avoiding sushi that’s inexplicably “on sale.” As with most chaotic days, you’ve got Mercury to blame—but don’t let it hear your badmouthing. It’s sorta the Hulk of the planets: You won’t like it when it’s really, really angry...
Sept 23—Oct 22
You were promised structure when Saturn entered back in 2010, but there’s been no semblance of “normal” in your life for nearly two years. All the romantic fits and starts have been tiring to say the least, but things go from dull to delightful when romantic Venus enters on the 28th. After an endless stream of tricks, you’ll finally get a treat right in time for Halloween—and it’s one that will melt your heart instead of rotting your teeth.
Feb 19—March 20
The full moon in October has often been referred to as the “Full Hunter’s Moon,” because it was a time when Native Americans went to their local King Kullen or Shop Rite to stock up on lots and lots of meat and celebrity tabloids. Though it doesn’t fall in your house on the 29th, you’ll still feel its incredible healing effects right before Halloween. Now’s the time to start something new—and whether it’s a relationship, job or just a hobby, you must pour your entire heart in if you expect a quality outcome. You’re an extremely mutable sign, and lack of focus will work against you every time.
Nov 22—Dec 21
With Mars in your sign on the 6th, you’ve got war on the brain. You’ve been pretty fed up with a friend for the past few months and the speak-before-you-think planet could give you a case of the verbal runs. Though you’re suddenly feeling like a restless rascal, you must not engage said friend or romantic partner until erratic Mars finds someone its own size to pick on (which will be tough, ‘cause it’s about half the size of the Earth). If you don’t have a rational discussion, you risk losing an important person forever...and not even Charlie Sheen considers that “winning!”
Oct 23—Nov 21
Gird your loins (or like, just put on extra-thick pants) on the 5th, for that’s when Saturn enters in all its crazy glory. Because you’re such a strong sign, the meeting of the twain is considered a pretty epic “red letter” day. You’ll feel raw power coursing through your veins even before you hook yourself up to a caffeine IV, and that intensity won’t dissipate until Saturn finds another sign to juice up on the 10th. Just do yourself a favor and don’t share this update with friends and family. Saturn’s power can sound an awful lot like steroids to those who aren’t horoscope junkies.
April 20—May 20
Things have been strange since crunchy-granola Jupiter left your sign back in June. After over a year together, you had gotten very used to the calming effect it had on your otherwise crazypants life. With no new astrological buddies on the horizon, you’re going to have to try even harder to keep the peace on your own. Anytime you want to raise your voice or get irrationally angry, just think WWJD? (I’m talking Jupiter, not that other “J” guy, in case you were wondering.) The answer is probably take a step back, inhale, and then try not to rip someone’s head off. It’s illegal and just plain messy.
Aug 23—Sept 22
Venus is supposed to be a very virginal sign, so you probably hooked it with your sparkling personality and wit. Either way, the planet of love only has puppy dog eyes for you from the 2nd to the 16th, so let’s hope feeling smothered totally turns you on. As a result of all this cosmic cuddling, you’ll feel pretty snuggly yourself. But be warned: When it comes time to act on all those butterflies, you may be surprised by who you flutter to.