Jan 20—Feb 18
Some planets enter your sign in moccasins. Their influence is so quiet, you barely notice. But Neptune? Well, that planet slaps spurs on its cowboy boots and tromps right in. On the 9th, this make-an-entrance attitude will also turn you into the life (or at least the soundtrack) of the party. See, Neptune’s goal is to affect a mass of people and it’s using you as its earthly pawn. Your cup of plans overfloweth and you know what that means: You’ll need a second glass for your wine.
March 21—April 19
It may just be a bright night to you, but according to The Farmer’s Almanac, the “full corn moon” (it’s on the 23rd) once marked the start of harvest. If you have a field to tend to, I understand if you haven’t time to read this. Not in your overalls yet? Good, then hear this: People are about to pop back into your life faster than you can say “Wait, isn’t it stereotypical to assume a farmer wears overalls?” Expect this collision of past and present around the 28th. Location’s foggy right now, but it might be in the dell.
June 21—July 22
March went out like a lamb, but over the course of the past six months, it contracted rabies and has been blazing an angry, foamy path straight for September. Basically, you’ll have some wooly volatile days from the 8th to the 18th. (It’s not you, it’s Mercury dragging its slow, nasty self through your sign). But by the 27th, the shadows lift and you’ve got nothing but blue skies ahead. Why not celebrate with a nice, vindictive meal? May I recommend the…lamb chop?
Dec 22—Jan 19
Pluto was god of the underworld. Let’s just say he wasn’t famous for throwing the liveliest parties. But he was known for his great wealth. (Because really, who’s gonna short a guy who’s in charge of admission to hell?) The planet saunters through your sign on the 13th ushering in a green period. Your cash catch? Loot could come in the form of a big raise or a few dollars you fish out of the dryer. Regardless, it’ll be nice to have some extra bucks in your freshly washed pockets.
May 21—June 20
For the twin sign, one is more than just the loneliest number—it’s terrifying uncharted territory. But on the journey of your life, it’s imperative that you blaze some trails alone. You’re used to making plans, so this time, give your neglected pal Spont A. Neity a ring. (Names nowadays, huh? I think that one is Scottish.) He might not pick up on the first call, but he’ll catch up with you when you least expect it. That’s part of the fun.
July 23—Aug 22
When the moon is between signs, it’s like a very typical lost guy: Totally confused, but unwilling to ask for directions. That messy astrological period between You Are Here and You Want to Be There is called the “void of course moon.” But oh, luck be a Leo! It comes through your sign in the wee hours of the 5th, from 4:31am to 5am. By then you’ll be driving a cloud car through dreamland. And everyone knows that’s not a stop on the mean ol’ moon’s itinerary
Sept 23—Oct 22
The sun enters your sign on the 22nd ushering in the fall equinox. According to terrifying astrological history, the equinox is the day when light is defeated by dark. So be especially careful when dealing with an evil co-worker (or when sorting your laundry). You won’t come out on top in either situation—and in the latter, you may end up ruining some nice white shirts. The equinox is also a time of sacrifice. But don’t go killing any firstborns, please. The decision you’ll be faced with isn’t a matter of life and death—and I happen to know that you’ll delight in the outcome.
Feb 19—March 20
You’re the fish who broke free from its school because it just wasn’t swimming in a snazzy formation. Your habit of taking the waterway less traveled will be intensified around the 13th when unique Mars swaggers in. The only downside? Sometimes, when you get such a big infusion of energy and creativity, you can become so driven that you run out of gas quickly. Rome wasn’t built in a day, after all. ‘Cause if it was, those people would have been super tired and crabby.
Nov 22—Dec 21
You’re not a fan of that which you can’t control. A terribly loud guy on his cell phone, a tangle of traffic with no end in sight, nope, not appealing. When you’re stuck in a sticky molasses situation on the 12th, turn your frown upside down and rotate that complete meltdown into full composure. A breakdown is unattractive to begin with, but when your face turns that certain shade of red, well…it’s not your best look.
Oct 23—Nov 21
Venus simply enters some signs. But for you? It comes in with a juicy kiss. When it’s around (from the 8th on), it turns you into a bundle of baby talkin’ mush. You’ll feel extra love for your partner, co-worker, the man behind the produce counter—you get my drifty-wifty. Since you often grapple with the strength of emotions, you may get angry if feelings aren’t returned as strongly as you’d like. Remember: Not everyone’s as intense as you. Love comes in many shapes. (But let’s be honest, a small, Tiffany’s-blue sized box is usually the best packaging.)
April 20—May 20
Imagine watching a movie of your life. (I’ll give you a second to get some popcorn.) See the main character’s current love interest? Most people don’t think s/he should make it in to the sequel. And as the film progresses, I’m sure you’ll see whose name doesn’t deserve to be lighting up the marquee. Your reliance on a co-star isn’t healthy—or necessary. Mr. DeMille has been waiting to get your close up for years. See, you’ve been cast as the lead role in this story. In fact, some might say you were born for it.
Aug 23—Sept 22
It’s the smallest planet in the solar system, but there’s nothing delicate about Mercury. When it’s in your space, you know. And like a semi-deranged on-again off-again friend, one minute it’s skipping down the street with you, the next it’s strategically placing banana peels in your path. On the 12th, it’s directly in your sign, so prepare for a week that you pretty much can’t be prepared for. Hey, knowledge is power. (But your ability to duck and cover will come in handy, too.)