March Horoscopes

  • Aquarius

    Jan 20—Feb 18

    (January 20—February 18)
    Best not tell any high school students that Venus is sextile with Uranus in your sign this month. Starting on the 29th, you’ll feel more tolerant and diplomatic than usual. You may feel a desire to run for president, but start slow—try letting someone take the good parking spot. Look at you, you’re a regular Lincoln!

  • Aries

    March 21—April 19

    (March 21—April 19)
    The spring (or vernal) equinox sun falls on March 20th, affecting you directly. What can you expect? Well, urban legend proclaims that on this great day, one can—ready for this?—balance an egg on its point. (Technically it’s possible on any day of the year.) You know what they call someone who can’t balance an egg on its point? A person one step closer to eating an omelet.

  • Cancer

    June 21—July 22

    (June 21—July 22)
    The Full Moon this month is also called the “Crust” moon. It doesn’t fall in your sign, but the second quarter moon does. Read closely: You are only to eat a very specific portion of all your sandwiches. I mean it. This is not a highly amusing joke. But seriously, this is a “waxing” period, when the moon grows brighter. Just wait until you see what it brings to light on the 20th.

  • Capricorn

    Dec 22—Jan 19

    (December 22—January 19)
    Guess who’s coming to dinner on the 4th? Why, the largest member of the Kuiper Belt, of course. (Feel free to call it Pluto.) When the dwarf planet enters, it’s looking to stir up big trouble to your financial sector. As such, we urge you not to make any large purchases until April.

  • Gemini

    May 21—June 20

    (May 21—June 20)
    So back in the day, there was a myth concerning Gemini and cow theft. I’m not sure if the twins stole or saved, but it was udder chaos. (Ooh, I’m really milking these puns, huh.) Why am I telling you this bit of history? ‘Cause this month—especially around the 15th—someone’s going to try to take credit for your hard work. My advice? Keep your friends close...and your cattle closer.

  • Leo

    July 23—Aug 22

    (July 23—August 22)
    In Ancient times (ie: before the Internet), Mercury was a messenger and Mars was a god of war. And this month, they’re both in your sign, hoping to each assert the strongest influence on you. When a heated fight breaks out on the 12th, you’ll need to choose sides. So who wins, the pen or the sword? Someone once said the pen was mightier, but he probably had a really terrifying ballpoint.

  • Libra

    Sept 23—Oct 22

    (September 23—October 22)
    Wind speeds on Saturn can hit 1,800 kmh—and if you consider that 20 kmh can totally ruin an umbrella, imagine what 90x that can do to your life. When Saturn enters, it doesn’t rush in alone. I spy a mysterious presence around the 15th, and if you’re not careful, you’ll be swept up in his/her tumultuous weather pattern. Better batten down the hatches.

  • Pices

    Feb 19—March 20

    (February 19—March 20)
    Feel a burning desire to don a safari cap and explore your local park? You haven’t been bitten by some sort of Boy Scout bug, it’s just that Venus is conjunct with Uranus on the 3rd. (So if you’re feeling wild and it’s the 1st or 2nd, you should probably go to the doctor.) Restless Venus will have a stronger effect on you, so expect to feel extra hungry for life. Now go out and take a bite!

  • Sagittarius

    Nov 22—Dec 21

    (November 22—December 21)
    We haven’t talked about the void of course moon in a while, right? Anyway, you know the drill: It’s the horrible few hours when the moon stops being made of cheese and starts being made of terrible things that are trying to ruin your day. So, from 11:32pm on the 5th to 6:36am on the 6th, don’t take candy from strangers or go near any mischievous looking banana peels.

  • Scorpio

    Oct 23—Nov 21

    (October 23—November 21)
    So you don’t know what Pallas is or why it’s retrograde in your sign, but you sure feel it, huh? What, you thought those random bursts of creativity were occurring because you’re creative? Ha! It was Pallas, setting up his easel and placing a little imaginary beret on your life. You’re a little ball of energy and art until the 24th of June, so paint the town your very own scorpion shade of red.

  • Taurus

    April 20—May 20

    (April 20—May 20)
    Venus is the brightest planet in the sky—and starting on the 31st, her rays shine your way. (Cue the singing angels, floating cherubs, etc.) This visit will be your reward for surviving a tough month. After a battle with a friend and a breakdown at work, you deserve the good stuff that’s coming. Haven’t battled or broken down yet? Oh well, spoiler alert!

  • Virgo

    Aug 23—Sept 22

    (August 23—September 22)
    Good news first? There’s not a single no good, very bad, terrible day this entire month! Bad news? To sort out the playing field, the last three weeks of April are almost all considered “danger zone” days, when Mercury is retrograde. Advice? Take chances, leaps of faith, shots in the dark this month. They’ll all be rewarded.