Jan 20—Feb 18
Things might not go swimmingly around the 31st, when Neptune goes retrograde (aka: moves in the opposite direction) in your sign. It’s best to avoid things the deity really enjoyed, like water and horse racing. (And certainly cross any sea horse races off your calendar, too.) This period will last until November 7th, so just go ahead and embrace it. Remember: Black is the new black and backwards is the new forward.
March 21—April 19
Most people don’t realize that Uranus is associated with genius and discoveries. That little ball of brilliance is in your sign on the 27th, inspiring you to think your best, deepest thoughts. (And here you just thought you had a headache.) The 29th is a prime time to share your wisdom with others—but be sure those others aren’t the type to pass off your ideas as their own. Hey, it’s happened before.
June 21—July 22
Venus, the second-closest planet to the Sun, enters your sign on the 19th. It’s pretty tired of its silver-place status, and so are you—especially at work. But see, while Venus can’t exactly shift her spot in the lunar lineup without, oh, I don’t know, terrifying the entire solar system, you’re capable of toppling the competition and grabbing the gold. (No, I don’t mean that literally, Tonya Harding.)
Dec 22—Jan 19
Over the course of your life, you’ve had a nickname you didn’t like, right? Great, so you can totally commiserate and not freak out when I tell you that Pluto’s in your sign on the 23rd, and that the Romans called Pluto “Hades.” Ok yes, that’s sort of the God of the Underworld but the name also means “rich one.” Rich is good! This month, things are looking mighty green. You’ll get what you deserve...if you don’t get caught up in the details.
May 21—June 20
The sun enters your sign on the 20th, which is pretty ironic, seeing as May is Ultraviolet Awareness Month. Remember that the rays you love to bask in can hurt you if you’re not careful—much like an old pal you’ve recently reconnected with. If they made peoplescreen, I’d recommend you apply at least a 50SPF before hangin’ near that BFF.
July 23—Aug 22
The Void of Course Moon (when the moon is between signs) usually only affects you for an hour or two—but this month, it occurs from 4:35pm on the 18th until 5:06pm on the 19th. Technically, you shouldn’t start/finish anything during this time, so work is out of the picture. (Unless you’re the Dwight Schrute of your office.) So, just call your boss and explain that your astrologer would rather you stay home and stare idly at the walls. I’m sure it’ll go over well.
Sept 23—Oct 22
Roses are red, violets are blue, and this month you will have 21 erratic days. (Just wanted to ease you in to that.) From the 3rd to the 23rd, Mercury goes retrograde and life goes a little...hmm, I think the technical term is “nutso.” Beware that stability is not in the cards, especially when it comes to relationships. Hey, relax! Instability can be incredible.
Feb 19—March 20
Jupiter’s in your sign from the 22nd to the 23rd and boy oh boy does it have a lot of baggage—at least 63 moons, to be exact. These guests might make you feel suddenly overwhelmed and you’ll be inclined to take your frustration out on the first person who crosses your path. Pisces are very easily led, but if you follow Jupiter, you’ll be stressed out and shouting until June. Instead, pull a George Costanza and do the opposite of what feels right.
Nov 22—Dec 21
Big deal alert: The Taurus full moon “Wesak” falls in your sign on the 27th. With a name like that, you know it’s not just any full moon—it’s possibly the most important day in the Buddhist calendar, and it’s the most powerful full moon of the year. Regardless of religion, you (and all signs) will benefit from a burst of energy and any lingering sickness you have will likely subside.
Oct 23—Nov 21
Yes, Mercury will throw you for a loop for most of the month, but let’s look on the bright side—from the 24th clear through June, there’s nothing astrological to fear. While I can’t promise that chirping birds will follow you to work or anything like that (it gets annoying anyway, Snow White told me), I do foresee a rather fairy tale-esque period of your life about to unfold. My, what a big smile you have!
April 20—May 20
Mercury is like the unstable friend in your group who always has everyone a little worried that s/he will sort of lose it somewhere between appetizers and the main course. On May 11, the planet goes directly into your sign. And while it’ll try to nudge you off Sane Street onto Crazy Court (especially around the 14th), remember Mercury is like GPS; it might urge you to take one route, but you’re the one behind the wheel.
Aug 23—Sept 22
May 11th is usually just the 131st day of the year, but this time around, it’s also the day Saturn enters your sign. And if you know Saturn, you know he’s the deity who brings 11 items to the less-than-10-items line, the Roman God who thinks suffering (yours, not his) is even funnier than that adorable Kelly Ripa. Your mission while he’s in town? Have a bit more patience, smile a little wider—and don’t let him rub off on you.