Jan 20—Feb 18
It’s 1:10pm on the 4th–do you know where your god of water and sea is? Directly in your sign, of course. See, Neptune is bringing the month’s first big flood of drama your way. If you built tents and feasted at the annual Neptunalia festival, you’ll weather the storm just fine. Missed it? Oh boy. Better strap on your emotional swimmies and get ready to brave some waves.
March 21—April 19
Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the chattiest of them all? In a conversation, you do 89% of the talking and spend the other 11% thinking about your next phrase. Stopping for a breath (and to let your pal get a word in edgewise) is both healthy and suggested. You may not realize you’re dominating the conversation, but everyone else is painfully (and silently) aware.
June 21—July 22
Well, this is almost too positive for words. For the first time since August, I don’t see any days where Mercury is retrograde (ie: wreaking havoc). Take advantage of your good fortune and take a leap of faith at work. Make a suggestion you’ve been mulling over for some time and watch your ideas take beautiful shape. Then batten down the hatches, ‘cause December’s gonna be a doozy.
Dec 22—Jan 19
Juno–or, the ‘one who warns’–is all up in your sign on the 3rd, wagging her finger and making you feel generally uncomfortable. You already know what she’s not happy about, but are you ready to end your risky new friendship yet? It’s awkward, but Juno knows best and no she is not jealous! She just wants you to want to end things. Trust us, it’s for the best.
May 21—June 20
On the 1st, don’t just do something–stand there! It’s your void of course moon, and you know what that means. The day has been marked ‘too dangerous’ by the horoscope-writing powers that be. They suggest you get anxious and sort of jittery until 11:53pm, when the void passes. Then, you’re free to call a therapist and explore those feelings. Sorry, I don’t solve your issues, I just foresee them.
July 23—Aug 22
All too often, society obsesses over the new moon and totally forgets to make sacrifices– talk about the mystical fourth quarter moon. This month, it occurs in your sign on the 9th. I’m not entirely sure of the astrological significance, but take my word. I feel these things, you know? And I can feel that what happens on the 9th will really set the tone of your entire November experience.
Sept 23—Oct 22
The weird thing about Uranus (reminder: you’re an adult, you can handle that word) is that it rotates on its side. So, when one hemisphere is basking in the sun’s golden rays, the other is steeped in darkness. Stay on the bright side around the 2nd, when you’ll be tempted to turn all mean-superhero. Remember: In life and in the movies, the bad guy never wins. (And if he does, they’ll get him in the sequel.)
Feb 19—March 20
After more than a month of hovering around your sign, Juno is finally direct on the 3rd. (And here you thought Juno was just not that into you!) The Roman goddess of marriage brings a boost to the relationship sector of your life. The 15th-17th is especially full of rainbows and butterflies and all that greeting card junk. Enjoy your Hallmark moments.
Nov 22—Dec 21
Here comes the sun (on the 21st at 11:23pm) doo doo do doo. Bask in its incandescent gaseous rays, because this is your “hey world, notice me!” month. The cosmos is feeling powerful and this tumultuous energy must be harnessed by all you archers. A focus on work is suggested, as you’re poised to reap major benefits–and some are even more exciting than your dental plan.
Oct 23—Nov 21
Venus enters your sign on the 7th and boy does it have a lot of complaints. Second closest planet to the sun, second brightest object in the sky–can a celestial body ever catch a break? Learn from V’s mistakes and quit moaning about your lot in life. Until you embrace your wrung on the ladder, you won’t advance any higher. Unlike Venus, you’ve got the potential to come in first.
April 20—May 20
Remember what your parents said about you being very special and unique? Hate to break it to you, but astrologically, you Taurans are all the same. A large constellation, you’re built to be a bully–but whether you stuff the other planets into lockers is totally your call. On the 10th, go ahead and let the little guy win. It’ll make you look (and feel) absolutely grand.
Aug 23—Sept 22
You’re considered an Earth sign, an introvert, a mutable sign–please, I could go on and on. Basically, you’re the lost-puppy-teenager-trying-to-find-him/herself of all the horoscopes. Since you’re a little old for the guidance counselor, let me illuminate your path. See, you can’t find yourself if you don’t start looking. Taking alone time on the 13th is your first step toward clarity.