Jan 20—Feb 18
Aquarius (January 20—February 18)
Jupiter, God of the Sky and Thunder, comes banging into your sign this month. Wave goodbye to peace and quiet, and get comfortable making a racket at work and happy hour alike. You’ve got too much to say to remain silent, so go ahead, break the sound barrier. Didn’t someone once say “hearing is believing?” Note: Revert to your “indoor voice” when mom asks.
March 21—April 19
Aries (March 21—April 19)
You’re a ram, so it’s rare that anything can stop you in your tracks. (The best anything can do is temporarily hold you back before being smashed to smithereens.) But this month, why not brake and not trample the roses? Do yourself a favor—resist the urge to speed through the 16th. You’ll really enjoy the scenery. That’s a (crosses fingers behind all-knowing back) promise.
June 21—July 22
Cancer (June 21—July 22)
If you hear a strong knock on your door (ok, more like pounding of an astrological persuasion) around the 3rd, ignore it. It’s not a neighbor who wants some Splenda packets—it’s nasty Mars. Long metaphor short? The God of War and other angry stuff can enter your home only if you let him in. Kinda like a vampire or a seriously angry (and mythological) ouija board.
Dec 22—Jan 19
Capricorn (December 22—January 19)
Mythologically, you’re represented as a hybrid of a goat and a fish. So you can really scale any mountain. (Cue laugh track.) What we’re getting at is your flexibility. You can turn any muddled mess into a tidy pile of organization. Instead of getting frustrated, embrace your puzzle-solving power. Besides, “skilled at being a goat-fish” looks great on a resume.
May 21—June 20
Gemini (May 21—June 20)
Do not start or finish anything (and certainly don’t middle anything for gods sake) from 3:17am to 12:17pm on the 10th during your void-of-course moon. Also, don’t commit to anything, purchase anything or consult anyone. Um, is there a good marathon on VH1? The stars didn’t say anything negative about reality TV.
July 23—Aug 22
Leo (July 23—August 22)
Since you’re ruled by the Sun, September is a bittersweet month. On the one paw, you’re still basking in the light of early fall. On the other, winter’s chilling just over the horizon. Since you’ve got beautiful, positive Venus in your sign, make her proud—find the bright side to any potentially shady situation. Basking in the light is way more satisfying than shrinking from it.
Sept 23—Oct 22
Libra (September 23—October 22)
When Mercury hands you lemons, ask him if he also has an extra tangerine because that would really be a lovely burst of flavor. And you know what? Take that tone with everyone you talk to this month. Instead of smiling at scraps, demand a picnic basket-sized portion. You’re not an ant, gosh darn it. Don’t let anybody treat you like one.
Feb 19—March 20
Pisces (February 19—March 20)
Uranus has been called the personification of the night sky, so it’s no wonder you feel a bit dark with him in your sign this month. But remember, dark doesn’t = evil. Just think about how stunning September stargazing can be. How others view you starts with how you view yourself, so throw those shoulders back and embrace your inner light. Soon, everyone will feel your glow.
Nov 22—Dec 21
Sagittarius (November 22—December 21)
New moon, new you. From the 18th on, consider “fresh start” your mini-mantra. (Recite that in your head, lest you frighten lesser-enlightened beings.) With no association to a constellation, you’re an astrological free agent. What can you do to make everyone want you on his team? Our initial suggestion—cookies. No, but seriously, chocolate chip.
Oct 23—Nov 21
Scorpio (October 23—November 21)
Did you know that your sign is no longer aligned with its constellation? Some astrologers would tell you to freak out, but we here at the Pulse applaud your entrepreneurial nature! There was a reason you decided to stray, right? Next time you second guess a big decision, think back to its root. Still glad you planted it? (This is the part where you think.)
April 20—May 20
Taurus (April 20—May 20)
The brightest star in your constellation is Aldebaran. But you wouldn’t know that, since you absolutely hate sharing the spotlight. It’s not as though we’re asking you to wait in the wings. Rather, we’d just like you to make some room on the stage. Co-staring with a friend is important this month, so get a grip and let the stars write two names on your September playbill.
Aug 23—Sept 22
Virgo (August 23—September 22)
Saturn’s in your sign and you know what they say about Saturn. You don’t? Aw man... fine. It’s sorta the house of death. Now don’t go and get all literal on us, you’re going to be fine. Just spend some extra time living this month. Really! Rent Harold and Maude, listen to Cat Stevens (or Yusuf Islam) and have seconds at the buffet of life. (Especially on the 15th.)